Immortally Dysfunctional
by PixieKindOfCrazy
Summary: The Olympians have communication issues. A series of phone calls and drabbles between the gods. Enjoy.
1. A Tale of Two Fathers

Percy Jackson Parody: An Eternally Dysfunctional Family

"Hades! How many times have I told you? **DO NOT **STEAL MY MERMAN GUARDS!"

"I needed them!"

"…"

"Don't give me that look! I DID!"

"…"

"You're still doing it!"

"I know…"

"Are you even gonna ask what I used them for?"

"…I don't WANT to!"

"All I did was use them for a giant board game!"

"…"

"…oh and I'm gonna need you to cover for me with Zeus…I MAY have used some of his North Pacific sky for the game…and Apollo's arrows and some of my hell hounds escaped into Ares territory…"

"What game did you play that used acres of sky, hell hounds, mermen, and magical arrows?"

"…a form of…chess."

"What the Olympus?"

"You don't have to swear at me."

"Just give me back my guards."

"Fine-I'll give you your fish dudes back."

"Do NOT ever call them fish dudes again!"

"…Aren't I supposed to be the hot head cool guy, Zeus the uptight party pooper, and I thought YOU were the chillaxed one…"

"…"

"Geez, didn't know you could growl through your GILLS."

"I would say go to Hades…but that see that'd just be really stupid."

"…"

"Stop laughing and get out."

"That is NOT brotherly."

"Who said I was-"

"Is that a cell phone?"

"Yes, I got a cell. So what?"

"Are you trying to lead monsters to you?"

"Dude…that applies to demigods -you know we can kill most monsters like bugs right?"

"…yeah, yeah."

"…"

"Okay, you stop laughing now and just answer your phone."

"…Aaaaaw. Fine. Fine….Hello, this is Poseidon"

"…You seriously answer the phone like that? What if it was a mortal?"

"…Idiot! How could a regular mortal get the number of a GOD? I'm on the phone!...Oh, sorry…I had an…interruption…who is this?...Oh hi Percy…no…no Uncle Hades ISN'T here…I was NOT yelling, young man…yes I know you're not a kid…uh…yeah I can't lend you the Mur Guard…why? Oh cuz…I didn't lose them!...why would I give you my palace? No I'm not done using it! I'm not THAT old!...just go ask your mother."

"…"

"You're a vwery good Daddy."

"Oh yeah because MY son was the one who accidentally set 100 demons out into L.A. when he tried playing TAG with them."

"Nothing good happens from Nico being bored…"


	2. Brothers Borrow Hellhounds

"Hades…."

"…..Hades it not here right now, please leave a message."

"Hades, you really don't understand mortal phones do you? I can SEE that you picked up so obviously that CAN'T be your answering machine."

"…What's an answering machine, bro? I was just saying the first thing that popped into my mind to get you to not yell at me, honestly…."

"….."

"I'm guessing by the silence that you're doing that thing where your face turns all red and little puffs of smoke stream out your ears. Am I right? Am I right?"

"HADES!"

"I was right."

"I knew I should have made Poseidon call you instead."

"Well, that's just hurtful. Why send our brother to talk for you? Besides, he's currently mad at me…."

"Who isn't?"

"….Good point."

"Anyway, what I called for was to ask you if I can burrow some of your hellhounds, or maybe a demon?"

"…Zeus, what are you up to? Are you planning something bad? You never do anything bad. I love this!"

"…you know, if it was physically possible to slap someone over the telephone….you'd have a lot of red marks on your face by now."

"Yes, yes, Brother, I know, you're all very irritated with me. But is that anyway to talk to the guy you're trying to burrow hellhounds from?"  
>"…I wouldn't know. I've never burrowed hellhounds from ANY guy."<p>

"…..Fair point. And yes, you can have some. Just remember to feed them five times a day…or they MAY eat YOU."

"Thanks for telling me that BEFORE it happened this time."

"Hey! That was one time! I just forgot ok?"

"You forgot to warn me that your demon servants get really pissed when someone looks at them and when they're really pissed they breath fire on you like a freakin' dragon? How is that hard to remember? I was your guest!"

"Because Persephone was standing right beside you….I was NOT looking at you, Dude. Sorry."

"Whatever. Your little demonic friends still need therapy though…"

"Believe it or not, I've sent them. But the therapist ran out screaming and went to find ANOTHER therapist for herself to talk to…."

"Hades….you know you could've used The Mist to change what they look like?"

"I did. I made them look like rodeo clowns….although, most humans have a fear of clowns so that was probably not wise…."

"Shut up and give me the dogs."


	3. Because Calling is Safer

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the gods. Because they are not real.

**A/n**: Ok, for the sake of this story, let's just pretend that the Olympians all live together in the Mount Olympus mansion. Also, I have no idea where this chapter came from. I just figured if I wasn't going to work on my homework, I'd force myself to write for you guys. And for Aphrodite, I kind of had to channel myself….

"Hello….."

"Aphrodite, did you really have to calm me? I'm in the room right next to yours…."

"Oh, Athena, there's a reason I called instead of walking over."

"And that would be?"

"Because if you yell at me for what I'm about to say-which you might- then I can just hang up."

"Oh gods…."

"Hey, by the way, can we even say that? I mean….it sounds like we're praying to ourselves….."

"Just get on with the foolery which I have no doubt you're about to say."

"How rude!"

"Are you denying that what you're about to say will be ridiculous?"

"Of course not! I just don't enjoy when you point it out so bluntly….really, have some tact."

"…"

"Are you rolling your eyes? It sounds like you're rolling your eyes?"

"You can't HEAR that over the phone."

"Oh contraire. Je crois que je peux."

"…..You realize that you're the only Olympian that speaks French, right?"

"Of course. Why else did you think I was saying it if not to confuse you?"

"Please just tell me what you called to say so I can go back to pretending this family is normal."

"Technically, if we our DNA worked the same way as humans did, wouldn't I be your aunt?"

"….Just no. Don't go there."

"But yes, if I was your aunt then you'd have to respect me, Missy."

"…Aphrodite."

"Growling isn't very ladylike."

"I'm the goddess of battle; I'll show YOU ladlylike!"

"Ladies, calm yourselves please."

"Zeus? How did you get on this call."

"Aphrodite, I monitor all communications…..mortal AND immortal….I can hijack any phone call."

"Well, why hijack ours?"

"…"

"What, Zeus? What is it?"

"Ares and Apollo asked me to tell you two to 'shut up', in their words."

"What's so important that they can't mind their own business?"

"Calm down, Athena! ….And nothing really, from what I saw, they were having a 'Dance Dance Revolution' fight."

"HAHAHAHAHA! They were playing each other in Dance Dance?"

"No, Aphrodite, they were literally fighting. One of them most have cheated again or something. Ares was trying to strangle Apollo with the wires of his own controller."

"…."

"….."

"Yes, well this is sufficiently awkward. I think I'll go see if Poseidon's doing anything…."

"Ok, well now that he's gone, what did you even call me about in the first place, Aphrodite?"

"Oh, that? I wanted to ask you to come shopping with me."

"…I waited through all your chatter for that?"

"Is that a yes?"

"Does it sound like a yes?"

"…..My optimism wants to say 'yes' right now…."

"Just go stare at yourself or something."

"….Well, she was rude….perhaps I could get Demeter to come with me, if Hermes didn't put wings on her plants and order them to fly away with her again…."


	4. The Super Twins

**A/n: **It's twin time! Yes, that means the Sun and Moon Sibs! I am addicted to writing for Apollo for some reason. Ever since I wrote his conversation with Annabeth in _Annabeth Becomes a Gallagher Girl_

Oh and by the way, I'm writing him extra dumb just for the sake of the humor. Not because I actually think Apollo is like that in the series.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything. You do not want to know what would happen if I owned Apollo.

"Apollo, did you really think I wouldn't find out?"

"No."

"Then why did you do it?"

"Because I didn't care if you found out…Artie, you know I'm like a foot taller than you? What are you gonna do-shoot an arrow through me?"

-growl- "I just might."

-stare- "It wouldn't hurt me…."

"No, but I know something that could…or rather, _someone._"

"…Artie, you have that weird 'I just killed a man and liked it' look again…."

"Be afraid. Be very afraid."

"Yes."

"…wait, yes WHAT?"

"I'm afraid…you told me to be afraid….so I was just…confirming…you know…my fear."

"….Ignoring that outburst of stupidity for now. As I was saying, you'll just see who's laughing when I tell Zeus you broke your contract. Who knows? Maybe he'll take your sun chariot."

"...le gasp. Artie,you wouldn't!"

"My name is NOT Artie! That makes me sound like some aging middle-aged white dude!"

"DOUBLE GASP. I thought you liked my friendly term of endearment, sister?"

"I'm not against slapping you. And I wasn't kidding about the Zeus thing."

"All I did was seduce one of your hunters into leaving your little sorority so she could be with me."

"….You manipulated her into thinking you cared about her, you lied and said you weren't my brother, you ditched her the morning after just because Aphrodite called and said she needed help with something, and then you stole her silver bow to auction off on E-Bay…."

"….When you say it like that, it sounds bad."

"BECAUSE IT IS BAD APOLLO! NOT TO MENTION DOUCHEY!"

"Is douchey even a word?"

" NOT. THE TIME. TO ASK."

"Right, right…you know, sometimes I actually want to slap me too."

"….You are a complete and total imbecile."

"…I feel like this MIGHT be bad timing again, but…what's 'imbecile' mean?"

-sigh- "I wouldn't feel half as disgusted about my hunter breaking her vow if it was with someone who could at least outwit a chair."

"That's just hurtful."

"Your man-whore-ness is not, in any way , my fault."

"Man-whore?"

"Would you prefer I go with King of the Idiot Pretty-Boy Slut-Faces?"

"Immortally Awesome Sun God Dude?"

"Not happening."

"Well, I prefer it anway…."

"I can't belive Zeus made that your official title. How did you persuade him to do that?"

"He may've been a little….drunk, at the time…"

"….Did Poseidon and or Percy have anything to do with that?"

"Nooooo….you know we're banned from being alone together."

"You've been banned from banging my Hunters for over a 100 years and you've still managed to turn half of them into mindless school girls."

"I feel like that's a compliment, but the look on your face is telling me otherwise."

"I refuse to believe we're realted."

"I actually tried to test that before. I took your DNA without you noticing and sent it to a mortal Doctor."

"…"

"Yes, I do realize now how stupid that was. Sending immortal DNA to a human to get tested."

"Not to mention that our DNA doesn't work like normal familial DNA and they wouldn't be able to tell if we were related our not…"

"I know."

"K, glad we're making progress."

"….sooooo, seeing as you called me here to yell at me, and you've sufficiently succeeded in that area…can I go back to throwing eggs off the mountain onto mortals?"

"Whose brilliant idea was that?"

"Ares'."

"….makes sense. You may go."

"Yay! Human egging!"

"Don't let them see you though!"

"Yes Mom."

"My brother, the eternal five year old."

"Love you too, sis."

"…."

"Ok, I'm gonna go now. Even I can see that you want to cut off my head right now."

"Hey Super Twins, what's happenin?"

"Hermes, don't you have bad news to deliver to people?"

"Nope. Post offices closed on Sundays."

"Good, then you'll have time to put Apollo in a box and ship him off to a frozen tundra by tomorrow."

"Woah…I sense sibling bickering. What just went down?"

"Nothing. I just had a realization- my brother is a plague to females everywhere."

"Dude, you just got burned by a girl…a little girl…you're kid sister…who-

"I get it!"

"At least I'm not an annoying feminist tiny chick who tortures males everywhere with her little pretty arrows and her never-brushed hair."

"LITTLE PRETTY ARROWS?"

"I'm gonna run now…I should run, right?"


	5. A Mother's Biggest Fear

Immortally Dysfunctional Chapter 5

**A/n: **___Mom and daughter nagging! How fun! Creds for the idea go to Mandi2341…I wish FF had tagging like Facebook does….Anyway, thanks for the idea girl! I had no idea which characters to use next and you know how I hate to put forth effort. Love you Mandi. Lol. Oh, and for anyone who cares- I am out of school as of this Wednesday, so if anyone has any requests, they should be up during the week if you review or PM with your ideas! I love writing anybody's ideas, not just my own. Big whoop for summer! Turns out all the times I actually chose to do homework and not write actually paid off; I finished off with a 94.5 GPA. Not that anyone probably cares…..Haha on with the story. _

**Disclaimer:** _Rien est à moi_

"Persephone, honey?"

"Yes, Mom, I'm right here. Who else would answer my cell phone?"

"Oh, I don't know, that devil you're dating."

-Sigh- "Not again, Mom."

"Well, he is! He is the _actual_ devil!"

"…"

"Don't you roll your eyes at me, young lady!"

"I'm no-"

"I can hear you doing it!"

"You can't _hear_ eye rolling mom! It's not even vocal, god!"

"Don't curse me!"

"I'm not…it's a…it's a human expression."

"Well, you are _not _human!"

-Gasp- "Oh, really? I hadn't noticed!"

"Dear, if you hadn't noticed, then that seems rather worry-"

"Mom, it's called sarcasm."

"What is?"

-Facepalm- "What I just did. Saying the opposite of what you mean to show how obvious something is."

"Well…that seems rude. I really wish you would stop picking up these human customs."

"Ok, you know what? I'm not even gonna say it."

"Say what?"

"No."

"Persephone…"

"Hmmph. You're Mom-warning-voice isn't going to work. If you hadn't noticed, I'm not there to force to do chores anymore."

"Don't rub that in my face! Tell me what you were going to say."

"….Fine! I was going to say that it's your fault I'm here. It's your fault I'm picking up these cutoms! And you know what? There's nothing wrong with them!"

-Gasp- "You KNOW I didn't mean for you to get stuck there with-with….HIM!"

"HADES!"

"What…."

"His name, Mom. It's Hades, not 'him' or 'that devil' or 'why does he wear so much red? It's really not flattering'. And I'm aware that you didn't get me stuck here on purpose, but I don't see you coming down to visit for holidays!"

"That's completely unfair. I can't. Even if I did have a two way in and out, you know Zeus wouldn't let me!"

"Oh, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, why does everyone use him as an excuse?"

"Because he's an uptight, strict god who just happens to be our king?"

"Well, he's not mine. I don't live there."

"Persephone! Take that back!"

"No!"

"What if he hears you?"

"Then let him strike me down with a lightning bolt through my forehead!"

"Don't encourage him, you know he's bipolar!"

-Laughs- "Yeah, Mom, I know. But I also know that YOU probably shouldn't be saying THAT. He may have issues, but he doesn't like it when people point them out."

"Oh, dear…you're right. I should go."

"But….Mom…wasn't there a reason you called? Mom? Great, it's just like you to do this! Leave again! And I was going to tell you I need to borrow some drachmas! Oh, and how are you supposed to separate your laundry? Mom! I need help here!"

"Oh, Persephone, she hung up over a minute ago."

"…Uncle Hermes…?"

"The one and only."

"Um, what are you doing on this call?"

"Oh, that? Yeah well, Apollo was following me around today while I did my rounds and while we were delivering messages we picked up you and your mom's call frequency. Needless to say, Apollo hear two females fighting and forced me to jack the signal so he could listen in."

"Hey, Sephy!"

"Apollo….do you ever change?"

"…Why would I do that? I'm ALREADY awesome."

"Oh wow, he is genuinely confused. Don't do that to him, Persephone. His mind can't take it."

-simulateneous laughter-

"Hey! I am not!"

"Really, then what did she mean?"

"Uhm…you know, I think I hear Artemis yelling at me for something, don't want her mad AGAIN!"

"He just ran away like a girl, didn't he?"

"Yes, my dear, he did." –Laughs-

"I actually do miss some things about that old mountain."

"Glad to hear it. How's the your angry guy doing?"

"Why does no one seem to know how to use his name?"

"Because he doesn't like it when people use his name….."

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Well, he's fine. He's out walking his favorite hell-hound right now. Barnaby."

-Doubling over in laughter-

"What's so funny?" 

"Lord…of the Underworld…named…his dog…Barnaby!"

"Yes, I suppose, that is a rather unmanly name…."

-More laughter-


	6. Poseidon, Athena, and Shipper Names

**A/n: **In which Poseidon learns about shipper names._Hahaha, sorry, still laughing in amusement at the characters in my head. I didn't think I would enjoy writing for Ares this much, but he's almost as fun as Apollo. Even when Apollo's not in the chapter, I still give a line to him to amuse myself. Anyway, some reviewers wanted some Athena/Poseidon fighting and I am happy to oblige. Their arguments are not hard to write and/or come up with insults for. Tell me if I got their voices right. I kind of channeled a more adult version of Annabeth for Athena and basically Poseidon's lines in this are basically what I think Percy would say to someone who annoyed him. _

**Disclaimer: **_The gods are not mine….I can't believe it's necessary to say that. _

"Yeah, that's my boy."

"Poseidon, what on Earth are you watching?"

"You know we can't really use that phrase…because we're not on Earth, Athena."

"…I'm aware of that, Kelp Head. But you ARE watching something that is playing out ON EARTH…are you not?"

"You know what, you can just take your smarty pants little attitude and leave me be, warrior princess."

-Offended gasp and eyebrow raise- "Seriously? Princess?"

"My house, my rules."

-deadpan- "We're not in YOUR house, Poseidon. You live in the underwater palace that you're so fond of, remember? We're on Mount Olympus, therefore that phrase has no power in this context."

-Glare- "I know that! It was only meant as an expression!" 

"But for the expression to work, it has to be true!"

"Says who?"

"Says…the laws of logic and anyone with a brain that hasn't been rotted from sea water!"

"Excuse me! I'll have you know sea water does magnificent things for your skin! In fact, it looks like you could use a little facial…"

"I'll give you a facial!"

"Woah, woah, hold up guys! Not that I'm against seeing you two fight or anything, but the last time a fight broke out, Zeus blamed me, so, uh, let's cool it."

"Ares, Zeus blamed you for that fight for the specific reason that it was YOUR fault; you pinned Demeter and Aphrodite against each other then influence their emotions so they would feel hostile towards each other…."

"Don't talk down to me like some genius-scholar- lady, Athena. Besides, I still say it wasn't my fault; I only did it because Apollo promised me I could drive the sun-chariot if I caused a girl-fight."

-eyebrow raise- "Uh…yeah, that's wonderful, Ares, really, I don't blame you, dude…well I kinda do…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Uh-huh….sure, I'm watching you, Fish Face."

"Can someone please think of more inventive nicknames for me? I mean, truly, that's just sad."

"I notice you say that AFTER he leaves."

"….Duh. I may be awesome and king of the sea and all, but Ares is insane. I'm not pissing off a dude with anger-issues. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna die today."

"….You can't die. You're immortal."

"…I knew that."

"Uh huh."

"I did! I just…forgot to put it together…just-just get out, Athena! You've interrupted my TV-watching."

"TV-watching? Am I the only one that finds it creepy that we refer to watching humans-including our kids- as watching a television program?"

"Yes. Yes, you are."

"Terrific. I guess I'll leave you to you're strange…wait, is that Annabeth?"

"Crap. You noticed."

"It's my daughter! You're spying on my daughter! Of course I'd notice!"

-Eye roll- "I'm not spying on YOUR DAUGHTER…well, not JUST her…I'm watching Percabeth."

"….What did you just say?"

"Percabeth" –Grins- "Aphrodite taught me about shipper-names. Like Brad and Angelina-Bradgelina. Cool, right?"

"…Oh yes, now I remember why Zeus worries when he leaves you alone in the palace."

-Glares- "Ignoring that comment."

"So, you're saying, you're watching our kids?"

"Yes."

"Watching them do what? And why?"

"If you want to know what they're doing, then just look at the screen, Athena. And you think I'M dumb. And because it's awesome. My boy really knows how to charm."

"Oh, gross, wipe that proud grin on your face, Poseidon. My Annabeth wouldn't fall for stupid ladies' man's tricks."

"Stupid? My son is not stupid! And, look for yourself, your majesty, because she is, and already has, fallen for him!"

"…I'm still trying to accept that…I'll get there."

"What is it that you find so appalling about my son?"

"That he's YOUR son."

"Really? You're still holding a grudge? I thought you were supposed to be 'mature'."

"It's not easy to let go of old grudges when the person who made them continues to do things to wrong you!"

"'Wrong you'? Seriously? You sound like you're from the middle ages. And what have I done to offend you lately?

"Oh, I don't know. There was the time, last month, when you and Apollo accidentally knocked over and subsequently destroyed my throne! Or last week when you put green dye in my shampoo, or just yesterday when you ate all my ambrosia!"

"…Ok, bad question, I guess….Moving on."

"Bad question? You think you can just…wait…what are they doing…what is he..why is your son putting his hand there? No, Annabeth! Stop that! Stop kissing him!"

"…Uh, Oh Wise One, yeah…they can't hear you."

"SHUT UP!"


End file.
